What Will You Choose?

You just received a phone call letting you know that your friend has lost a loved one. You now have a decision to make…What kind of supporter do you want to be?

There are many ways to support a loved one after a loss. As a friend you have the right to choose the most appropriate path for you in the moment. There are times that you may choose to be the best supporter you can be, and other times you may shy away from the responsibility due to personal circumstances or your own emotional pain.

Here are a few common ways people respond when they are called upon to support a grieving loved one:

1. The Listener – The person that allows you to talk about your feelings without telling you how you should feel.

2. The Doer – The person that jumps right in and takes care of everyday tasks. They bring you groceries, pick up your kids from school, they make sure people are notified about funeral arrangements and generally take care of those daily tasks that you are not up to doing.

3. The Cheerleader – The person that lifts your spirits when you can barely get out of bed. They are there to get you out of the house and will take you on an adventure to brighten your day.

4. The Brief Encounter – The person that comes to the funeral, sends you a card or flowers, but generally believes that grief ends at the funeral and there is not much more that they can do for you. Their support is brief but sincere.

5. The No Show – The person that is not able to be supportive for their own personal reason. They may be uncomfortable with talking about death and loss or there may be life circumstances that make them unavailable.

As you travel through the grief recovery journey with a friend, you may find that you are all of these types of supporters and a whole lot more. Grief is not a linear process; it has many peaks and valleys. As your grieving friend’s needs change, so too will the type of support they need.

When choosing how you will support a grieving loved one, consider the following:

• Lead with your strength. We all have our strengths that come out when a difficult situation arises. If you are a great listener, be a great listener. If you are a doer, help your friend with daily tasks.
• Stretch yourself a little to learn more about yourself and how you feel about grief and death. You may find a blessing for yourself hidden inside the journey.
• Know your limits. We all have our limitations and we can’t be all things to all people. Do the best you can in the moment.
• Ask for help if you are over your head. A grieving friend may require more assistance than a lay person can handle. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your local grief support group or a grief counselor.

After losing many friends and family over the years, the one thing I have learned is that the right people show up at the right time. Often it is not the person we thought it would be. I have to admit that it took me some time to forgive those friends that were not there for me after my mother passed away. But I have come to realize that it is more important to be grateful for those that were there and understand that those that were not had their reasons.

The choice is yours…what will you choose?

© 2011 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What to Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Grief Support Discussion Topics – We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem.

Grief Support Discussion Topics – We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem.

What is your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem?

We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem in the comment section below.

Here are a few of our favorites:

May you see God’s light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.
~ Irish Blessing

If I Could Catch A Rainbow
If I Could Catch A Rainbow, I Would Do It Just For You
And Share With You Its Beauty, On The Days You’re Feeling Blue
If I Could Build A Mountain, You Could Call Your Very Own
A Place To Find Serenity; A Place To Be Alone…….
If I Could Take Your Troubles , I Would Toss Them In The Sea
But All These Things I’m Finding, Are Impossible For Me
I Cannot Build A Mountain, Or Catch A Rainbow Fair
But Let Me Be What I Know Best ….A Friend That’s Always There..

‘Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but live in thankfulness that he was’
~Hebrew proverb

Perhaps they are not
stars in the sky,
but rather openings
where our loved ones
shine down
to let us know they
are happy.
~Eskimo Proverb

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade
because a loved one’s gone.
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart,
for as long as there is memory, they’ll live on in the heart.
~Author Unknown

There will come a day
when your tears of sorrow
will softly flow into tears of remembrance…
and your heart will begin to heal itself…
and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy…
and you will hear the whisper of hope.
There will come a day
when you will welcome the tears of remembrance…
as a sun shower of the soul…
a turning of the tide…
a promise of peace.
There will come a day when you will…
risk loving…
go on believing…
and treasure the tears of remembering.
~The Comfort Company

May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way home.
~Gaelic Blessing

Share Your Story

We invite you to Share Your Story on how your friends and family assisted you in restoring balance in your life after a loss. Please submit your inspirational stories, letters/cards that have reached your heart, a favorite quote or poem, an unforgettable adventure/trip, a favorite song, an inspirational movie, a book that touched your life or a list of what you wished your friends had done for you.

We hope by sharing your story you will inspire others to give the gift of love and compassion to their loved ones that are grieving.

How To Submit Your Story

Stories may be submitted in writing or in video format.  Please email your story to us at:

By Email: info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com

Please include your Name, the name of the person who wrote the submission (if different) and your address, so we may contact you should we use your submission.

Your contact information will only be used to contact you should we wish to post your submission on our website or in our upcoming book “I Did Not Know What to Say”. We will never sell your information to any third party vendor.

If your submission is used on our website or in our upcoming book “I Did Not Know What to Say”, we will be sure that both you and the author are credited for your submission. If you wish to stay anonymous, please note that on your submission.

To view inspirational messages that others have contributed, please visit our Inspiration page for thoughts and ideas.

Thank you for your contribution!

Lori Pederson
Founder, I Did Not Know What To Say.com

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® – Sunday, December 11, 2011 7pm

Guest Post from Compassionate Friends

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® 
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Special-Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

 Hundreds of Open Services Now Being Planned for Worldwide Candle Lighting December 11 to Remember Children

 Anticipation of a very special and memorable day grows as the 15th Worldwide Candle Lighting December 11, 2011 nears. The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance.

In 2010, information was submitted to TCF’s national website on services in 15 countries outside the United States including more than 530 services, as this special day continues to grow. TCF has been joined in recent years by chapters of several organizations including MISS, MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda’s Club, and BPUSA and for several years services have been held in all 50 states plus WashingtonD.C. and Puerto Rico. There is no way to know how many hundreds of additional services open to the public are held in the U.S. and around the world each year without the information being sent to us.

The Compassionate Friends and allied organizations were joined in 2010 by local bereavement groups, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children’s gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers. Services have ranged in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

Every year you are invited to post a message in the Remembrance Book which will be available, during the event, at TCF’s national website. Last year in that short one day span, nearly five thousand messages of love were received and posted from every U.S. state and Washington D.C., every territory, as well as dozens of other countries, with some posts in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured over the years in Dear Abby, Annie’s Mailbox, Ann Landers column, Parade Magazine, Guideposts magazine, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites and hundreds of personal blogs. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services (of which we are advised) is posted on TCF’s national website every year as the event nears.

View Dear Abby’s column from December 4, 2011 and read a letter from TCF’s Executive Director Pat Loder about what this event means to those who have suffered the tragic loss of a child. Here’s a news video posted December 8, 2011 about The Compassionate Friends and the Worldwide Candle Lighting by KLTV in Tyler,TX.

If no Worldwide Candle Lighting service was held near you last year, please feel free to plan one open to the public this year or next year. You are welcome to use TCF’s “Suggestions to Help Plan a Memorial Service in Conjunction with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting©” to help in planning the service. All allied bereavement organizations, churches, funeral homes, hospices, and formal and informal bereavement groups are invited to join in the remembrance. When you firm up plans for your candle lighting, open to the public, please return to this site and submit the event information form so TCF can list your service with the many hundreds held in the United States and around the world. The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!

Media Stories and Videos on the 2010 Worldwide Candle Lighting

TCF 2010 Worldwide Candle Lighting Press Release (Oct. 6, 2010): Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting During Holiday Season Remembers All Children Who Have Died

Virtual Book Tour – Interview with Robbie Miller Kaplan, Author of “How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say”

Thank you for joining us on our Virtual Book Tour.

Today we welcome Robbie Miller Kaplan, Author of  How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say.  Robbie’s interview offers many insights and practical suggestions on how to express your sympathy to a grieving loved one.

Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences on how your friends and family have assisted you in restoring balance in your life after the loss of a loved one in the comment section below. 

1.           What inspired you to write the book How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say?

 I faced a number of difficult experiences and some folks said some insensitive things that were hurtful. I realized over time that people didn’t mean to say inappropriate things; they just were at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say. I decided to write a book to demonstrate how you can be supportive by saying and doing things that would be helpful and healing, not hurtful.

2.           Is there any one thing that your family or friends did for you that assisted you through the grieving process?  (i.e. a special card someone sent you, a favorite place they took you, listened when you needed support, etc.) 

When you’ve experienced a loss, you need to tell your story over and over again to make sense of it. This can be really hard for many people to do; the tendency is to say, “You’ve already told me that.” Several friends and family members gave me the gift of listening. They allowed me to vent and they listened to the same stories and frustrations. It was their support that helped me through the toughest times. 

3.           Our website focuses on providing tips to friends and family members on how to support a loved one through the grieving process.  What would be your top three suggestions on how to positively support a loved one that is grieving? 

 a.      Keep in touch by phone, cards, notes, and e-mail. Even if you get no response, keep sending notes and e-mails. Grief is so debilitating the bereaved may not be able to respond, but your care and kindness will mean so much to them.

b.       Ask, “What can I do to help?” But only do so if you are willing to do whatever is asked.

c.       When they’re comfortable and willing to talk, listen and be fully present. No interruptions, no personal stories or comments. Focus your attention solely on the bereaved. 

4.           What is one thing you would like your readers to take away from your books?

You don’t need to make grand gestures to make a difference. Decide on one or two things that you’re comfortable doing and do them for everyone. For example, ask if you can do an errand at the pharmacy along with your own or pick up a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad when you do your grocery shopping. Simple, helpful gestures mean a lot to the bereaved. 

5.           What do you want our readers to know about you and your books?

I know first-hand how difficult it is to deal with a family member’s difficult illness or the death of a loved one. I feel very passionate about the importance of helping and supporting not just family members and friends but colleagues, neighbors, and community members. It can be intimidating to reach out to someone dealing with a terrible loss. My writing focuses on the importance of doing a kindness, but also on simple suggestions that are easy to implement.  My philosophy is one kind and thoughtful deed can make a world of difference to someone experiencing loss. Wouldn’t you want to be that person that makes a difference? 

6.           Do you plan to write any additional books in the future? 

If there was a topic I felt needed to be addressed, I would consider it.

ABOUT ROBBIE

Robbie has had a long and extremely interesting road to becoming a successful author. When she started out writing career and job search books, she had no idea she would eventually write about loss and grief.  It’s Robbie’s personal experience and her desire to make a difference in the lives of those grieving a loss that motivated her to write How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say. Her book is now available in print volumes for Illness & Death, Suicide, Miscarriage, and e-books for Death of a Child, Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby, Pet Loss, Caregiver Responsibilities, and Divorce. All are available for the Amazon Kindle.

Visit Robbie at http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com or contact Robbie at wordsthathelp@gmail.com

Virtual Book Tour – Interview with Therese Benedict – Author of Days Go By, Not Love

Thank you for joining us on our Virtual Book Tour.

Today we Welcome Therese Benedict, the author of Days Go by Not Love. Therese’s interview and book offers many insights and practical suggestions on how to make positive changes in your life.

Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences in the comment section below.

Days Go by Not Love is featured on our Helpful Books page under our Virtual Book Tour.

1.   What inspired you to write the book Days Go By Not Love?

I was inspired and guided to write this book by God and his angels. As a clairvoyant, with the ability to communicate with God and his angels, I was given only the words for others to understand the beginning steps for them to change their life. There is so much to learn and so many directions that one can change their life that giving them too much information would only confuse them because of the amount of knowledge there is to help them change their life. So, I was only allowed to write a portion of what others needed to know so that they could succeed in their change of life.

I was also inspired to write this book because of the sadness and cruelty that is taking over this world while I watched the love diminish; knowing that there are so many people searching for answers for freedom from their pain. My gift allows me to illuminate areas of darkness in others who suffer from lack of love, pain, misery, depression and so on; to help bring them to a point of understanding of how to love oneself and to know there is a way out of this pain. By seeing others hurt their loved ones because they do not know how to love right – I know the answers and ways for each individual person because everyone needs help in different ways, so they may live of life of love.

2.   How have you used the steps in your book as you have gone through the challenges in your own life?

I have lived the steps outlined in my book through my entire life, which brought me peace in my soul because I always knew the love I carried for everyone. I always carried compassion no matter how bad a person treated me because I knew that they were lost. I have always stayed true to me and never let anyone change who I am. By living my life as this book speaks, I knew that not only could I help others through my gift of clairvoyance but that I also can relate to their pain from my own past experiences. I never gave up on who I was and because I loved myself in a right manner and trusted in God that I was granted my dreams with the love I knew that could exist but didn’t exist. It is not when we put our desires on our timeline that we receive our dreams, rather it is when we put our trust in God and allow time to lead the way to receive our dreams in which we desire. By following this guidance I met the most loving man, my husband, and I have reached several dreams.

3.   What would be your suggestions on how friends and family can support a loved one that has started to practice the steps you suggest in your book?

I would advise to them that their friends and family members will make mistakes that will upset them, but this is when they need to understand that hard times come with changing your life. It is also a wonderful way for them to learn in different directions, so they may grow even more with their change. To learn to appreciate hard situations because they can be a stepping stone for not only their friends and family but for the people that are supporting them as well. Friends and family can also support by learning how to communicate with compassion and not anger. This will only help them stay on track with changing their life and not giving up because they made a mistake. As I have stated before, mistakes are golden when used in a beautiful way. So when someone they love is trying to change their life from my book, I suggest that the people who are supporting them read the book as well so they may support them to their fullest.

4.   Do you find that people that have a strict religious background have a resistance to your teachings?

Yes, religion comes into play but only because of my gift. However, if they think about it, I am only teaching people what religions’ are about and that is love. Religion can make people run. I don’t bring up sins; I only teach what is right and what is wrong and help them change the wrongs to right. I am not a religious person but I live my life for God. I have a personal relationship with him as my father (just as if he were my father on earth) and I love him as my father and he loves me as his daughter. I talk to him as he is sitting right by me and knowing he hears my every word and know every emotion that I go through for him. I know he will protect me and love me and take care of me, for I live my life for him and his children. He has only shown me that he is by my side every second of my day and he shows me the love that he carries not only for me but for all of his children. So I teach what the church tries to teach but I do not teach the way the churches do. I help people become who they were created to be and to live a life of love to everyone that comes across their path, even if they do not know them personally. I still teach what is written in the bible but it is taught in such a way that people understand it better without the confusion of biblical words.

However, some religions do not believe that God seems to give some of his children a beautiful gift to help his children that are lost or looking for comfort. They think that we have demons inside of us, but we have the same thing inside of us that they do: GOD. I have only been blessed and see miracles everyday. Others’ negative thoughts will not change who I am and what I am here to do. I do not judge people because they do not believe in God, but I do have to say if they do not believe and do the actions in this book, they just might change their minds. I do not judge others because of what they have done in their life; my focus is only to help them see what they have done and to help them change their life. To bring freedom from their past pain and freedom from blindness and to help them stop their cruelty, so they may live of life of happiness themselves so they can be free of their misery.

5.   What is one thing you would like your readers to take away from your book?

That it is possible to change your life completely and that they have the power to make these changes along with the strength to do so… That changing their life is hard because the wrong seems to be much easier than the right and it really should be the other way around. With them learning that they can begin to trust in themselves and to find happiness within them and not within this world. For them to understand that it will not take the rest of their life to change and it will only take months; and to know that it is better to take those months to find happiness instead of living with misery and confusion of how to better themselves and their life for the rest of their lives. That they can become whole within themselves early in life and not at the later years of life.

6.   What would you like our readers to know about you and your book?

I have always known ever since I was a young girl that I was special and that I was here to help people. I could see and feel others pain within my soul. When others would do cruel actions that caused hurt to another, I seemed to know the answers and exactly how to respond to bring comfort in the hearts of those in pain or struggling. Even as a young child I always knew the answers between right and wrong and followed upon that intuitive guidance.

I love to help people! It is in my soul to bring peace and love to anyone who wants not to live a life of pain and confusion. I love seeing the peace and comfort in their eyes when they start to heal from their hurt and understanding of the hurt they caused. I love making this world a better place for us all.

My most recent book is called Days Go By, Not Love.  It was published by Tate Publishing and released on May 11, 2010. www.DaysGoByNotLove.com

Days Go By, Not Love is a spiritual self-help book that helps you identify the beginning steps to changing your life. It is a book that helps you find the inner and true you: fully. It helps you see the wrongs that not only others are doing but it helps you see your wrongs that you are committing. It gives you the answers to help you change those actions and live your life with more beauty and less cruelty. This book helps you open your eyes to what you have not seen within yourself. It is a book about how to love you right and others right. It brings insight to a deeper meaning of the word love.

7.   Is your book Days Go By Not Love part of a series, if so, when do you plan to release the next issue?

I am finishing the second book of the Days Go By, Not Love four-book series now and getting it ready for review from publishers with the intention of having it out by the end of this year. This book will be the continuing knowledge in your steps of change, while bringing more insight at a deeper depth of knowledge.

8.   Where can our readers buy the book?

My book is available in all major book stores and online. However, when you purchase my book through Amazon and enter in your Amazon order confirmation # on my website www.daysgobynotlove.com you will immediately be able to download Thousands of Dollars in FREE Bonus Gifts from world renowned leaders, experts and best-selling authors in the field of self-help, inspiration, spirituality, health-wellness and more…

Virtual Book Tour – Interview with Michael Corrigan, Author of A Year and a Day

Thank you for joining us on our Virtual Book Tour. 

Today we Welcome Michael Corrigan, the author of  “A Year and a Day”. Michael’s interview offers many insights and practical suggestions on how to assist a widower heal after the loss of a spouse.

Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences with grief and the healing process in the comment section below.

“A Year and a Day” is featured on our Helpful Books page under Loss of a Spouse.

And now our interview with Michael Corrigan: 

1. What inspired you to write the book “A Year and a Day”?
My therapist knew I was a writer and thought keeping a journal would help put the grief in context. It helps to confront grief and take away its power.  I was surprised to find very few men who sought help for grief; in fact,  many considered it ‘unmanly.’ It’s the so called strong silent type that often commits suicide.

2. How did losing your wife change your life?
Karen was a lovely person, so deserving of more years, so it’s a devastating experience that darkens one’s world. It starts with a shock but then the reality sets in, and there’s a terrible emptiness and feeling of loss. I felt like I would serve a life sentence of grief. The passage of time meant little, and grief goes in cycles. With time, however, grief can lose its sting.

3. How is the death of a spouse different from divorce?
Divorce is often mutually agreed upon. Divorce indicates something is wrong with the relationship. Death is brutal and often unexpected, and can affect couples who are happy.

4. What are your top three suggestions to help people move forward in the grieving process after the loss of a spouse?
Use one’s friends, get involved in projects, even volunteer work, and always seek professional counseling.

5. Is there any one thing that your family or friends did for you that assisted you through the grieving process?
I had friends take me out to dinner or plays, and one friend came by once a week to play music. It did help. One needs distractions. Eventually, the counselor, Tanya Forsman, suggested I seek a partner and that included websites for dating. That was after a year and a half. Before that, dating would have been impossible. I believe there should be at least a year of facing the grieving process.

6. What do you wish your family or friends had done differently after you lost your wife?
I felt everyone acted appropriately. I had problems with some friends who pretended it never happened, but I wanted to talk about Karen. It’s a common misconception: don’t mention the lost loved one for fear of hurting someone’s feeling.

7. Our website focuses on providing tips to friends and family members on how to support a loved one through the grieving process. What would be your suggestions on how friends and family can support a loved one that has lost a spouse?
Offer your services and presence, and be willing to discuss the person lost to the bereaved. Some offered me grief books that did help.

8. What is one thing you would like your readers to take away from your book?
Some of the raw emotions in the journal disturb me now, because I have moved beyond that point, but I hope it is a tribute to Karen and it also teaches the reader they are not alone. We will all go through the grief process if we live along enough. Joan Didion discusses that in her book.

9. What would you like our readers to know about you and your book?
The book was written as a way to communicate with and remember Karen and to face the daily grind of grief and loss. I hope my book celebrates Karen Lea Smith Corrigan.

10. Have you written any other books? Do you plan to write any other books in the future?
I am a writer and I have written and published six books and many articles. I have written two books about the Irish American experience. Four of my books, including the grief journal, are on Kindle. I certainly will continue writing. It is what I do.
You can find me on Amazon and at Author’s Den.

Virtual Book Tour – Interview with Chelsea Hanson, Author of the Sympathy Matters Collection

Thank you for joining us on our Virtual Book Tour.

Today we Welcome Chelsea Hanson, the author of the Sympathy Matters Collection. Chelsea’s interview offers many insights and practical suggestions on how to assist a grieving loved one.

Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences with grief and the healing process in the comment section below.

1. What inspired you to write the Sympathy Matters Collection?

The Sympathy Matters Collection started as a simple poem of comfort. When my mother, Donna, passed away unexpectedly right before Christmas in 1996, I knew that my family and the holidays would never be the same. To help with my grief, I wrote a poem, Hello from Heaven, to express what I thought my mother would want to say to us after she arrived in heaven.

Over time, I would enclose the poem in sympathy gifts for others. The response was overwhelmingly positive, and after many requests, I decided to publicly share this message, so I published my first gift book, Hello from Heaven.

As time passed, I was inspired to create more gift books to comfort others in their time of need, including Forever in My Heart, Merry  Christmas from Heaven Above, If Only I Knew and Choose Hope.

The collection of gift books from www.Sympathymatters.com has comforted people across the country and has been used by grief support groups, hospice and funeral home professionals.

But the gift books were just the beginning. As I continued to recognize the need for support at time of loss, With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes was founded. This is a site that provides gifts to express your sympathy with care as well as provide keepsakes to honor your precious loved one.

2. Is there any one thing that your family or friends did for you that assisted you through the grieving process? (i.e. a special card someone sent you, a favorite place they took you, listened when you needed support, etc.)

Just this last Christmas, my mother-in-law, LaVon, sent me a floral holiday bouquet that said, “Thinking about you at this time of the year,” to express her care. My mother, Donna, passed away over 14 years ago right before Christmas. Thus, it meant so much that LaVon acknowledged the anniversary of my mother’s death and provided support at Christmas time, which is typically a difficult time of the year for those who have lost someone.

As evidenced by this example, grieving people still need messages of sympathy for years to come after a death, especially on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. You are not reminding them of their loss when you send a card or do something extra on these days. Instead, you are offering comfort and support that may still be needed. Remember, you can express your support at anytime to the bereaved.

It is also important to acknowledge the anniversary of the death. This is a hard day for anyone who is grieving, so your extra support on this day can be helpful. Communicate that you remember the date by calling, sending flowers, writing a note or what feels right to you.

3. Our website focuses on providing tips to friends and family members on how to support a loved one through the grieving process. What would be your top three suggestions on how to positively support a loved one that is grieving?

1. Reminisce. Continue to reminisce with your friend about his or her loved one’s life. Sharing fond memories is a wonderful way to provide comfort. Remember, talking about the deceased will not hurt or upset the person grieving. In fact, it is just the opposite, your friend will appreciate that you are talking about their loved one. Please know that it is okay to talk about someone who passed away, and it is helpful to use the deceased’s name in conversations.

2. Be yourself. Speak in a way and behave in a way that is natural for you. Continue the same relationship you had before: close friend, acquaintance, friendly neighbor, or work buddy. Offer help only if you are able to follow through, and in a way that makes sense in your life. Can you drive the carpool? Offer to drop off a meal? Mow the lawn once a week without even knocking on the door? Take the kids on a play date for the afternoon?

3. Learn about and understand grief. To understand what you friend is going through, do your best to learn about grieving. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no timetable on grief. By having an understanding of the process, you will have more compassion and be able to support your friend. Being a friend to the grieving will not always be easy. Your friend has changed and will continue to change as he or she journeys through grief. Your gift of support, however, will always be remembered and cherished by your friend.

4. You have a series of books (Hello from Heaven, Forever in My Heart, Merry Christmas from Heaven Above, If Only I Knew, and Choose Hope), do you suggest that readers read them in a certain order or do they individually stand alone.

Each book provides a separate message of healing and comfort to those traveling through grief.
• Hello from Heaven can be given at any time during the healing process, but it is particularly helpful at time of loss.
• Merry Christmas from Heaven Above can be used for the first Christmas after loss or any subsequent Christmas.
• Forever in My Heart is especially beneficial on the first anniversary of loss, but can be given at other times during the grief journey too.
• If Only I Knew is an inspirational book that reminds us to cherish our loved ones each and every day.
• Choose Hope is for families who have been affected by cancer, and provides words of hope and encouragement when facing cancer.

5. What is one thing you would like your readers to take away from your books?
The main theme in my writing is that your loved one is always loving you, watching you and guiding you from heaven. The book excerpts below illustrate this message:

“Though my life is over, I am closer to you now than I was ever before.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb,
but together we can do it taking one day at a time.”
Excerpt from Hello from Heaven

“Let your faith be strong, for I’m home where I belong.
Please don’t be unhappy because I’m not in your sight.
I’m by your side every morning, noon and night”
Excerpt from Forever in My Heart

6. What do you want our readers to know about you and your books?My purpose is simple:

To ensure that the bereaved receive the sympathy and comfort they need in a caring and helpful manner. When you are not sure of what to say or do at time of loss, the Sympathy Matters collection can help you. Whatever book you may choose to give, be assured that you will express your sympathy thoughtfully and provide great comfort to the recipient.

My long term vision: Working together with grief support groups and educators, we can teach society more about loss, dying and grief. By increasing society’s knowledge and comfort level surrounding death, dying can become accepted as a normal part of life, just like being born. In turn, our world will become better equipped to support and interact with people that are grieving.

7. Do you plan to write any additional books in the future?

Yes, I am currently working on a pet loss book, entitled “Wags and Whiskers from Heaven.” The purpose of the book is to provide sympathy and comfort to pet owners who have lost a beloved pet. I recently lost three long-time family members (pets Owen, Emma and Fiver). Thus, this book is to honor them and to help others who have lost a four-legged family member.

About Chelsea Hanson
Author Chelsea Hanson has the special gift of finding the right words when they are needed most. Her reassuring words provide hope that you too will be able to journey through grief and find a new appreciation of life. For information on Chelsea’s books, please visit: www.SympathyMatters.com 

As an entrepreneur, Chelsea is passionate about providing grief support. She is the founder of With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes, which was developed to help you express your sympathy remember your loved with a special keepsake or simply find additional support from those who have been there. For more information, please visit: www.WithSympathyGifts.com or www.Facebook.com/WithSympathyGifts.

In Loving Memory of a Widow: Quiet Reflections…and Loud Actions

Guest Post from Carole Brody Fleet  
http://widowswearstilettos.blogspot.com/2011/04/in-loving-memory-of-widow-quiet.html

Today is a very quiet day.

 

Make no mistake – it’s still a typical Tuesday at work.  Lots to do, lots to write, lots of deadlines, emails, phone calls…

Lots of…stuff.

 

But it’s still a very quiet day.

 

It’s one of those rare times where I struggle for words – but not for tears.  Tears are coming easily.

 

Because we lost one of our own yesterday.

 

She was one of our own because she was a member of our widowed community.  She belonged to every single one of us.

 

Every single widow/er who knows the incredible pain and despair.

 

Every single organization who seeks to help and support the widowed community.

 

Every single organization who is dedicated to allaying suffering and bringing healing to those in pain.

 

She was one of us.

 

I did not know her personally – but that really doesn’t matter.  She was a part of our community.

 

She was one of us.

 

The question of what causes someone to take tragic measures always looms large.  And in the days to come, many will ask that question.  Many close to her will suffer from the guilt that such a tragedy leaves in its wake.  People will ask questions:

 

“Were there any signs?”

 

“Why didn’t she get help?”

 

“How could she do ‘this’ to her children?”

 

All questions for which there may never be any answers.  But I do know this.

 

Sometimes there are no “signs”.

 

Sometimes a person doesn’t know how to ask for help – or thinks that it makes them look weak or wimpy to look at another person and say, “I can’t deal with this”.

 

And she did nothing “to” her children.  For as I have said in the past, oftentimes a person who takes their own life isn’t necessarily “choosing” to leave…it is simply too painful for them to stay.

 

A horrifically permanent solution to what can be a temporary situation. 

 

I don’t know of any widow support organization who has not intervened at one time or another on behalf of a widow/er in despair.  Many of us have sought training to do so as effectively as possible.  Recalling the time years ago that I was on vacation and received a letter via email that mentioned suicide, I now travel with the telephone number of crisis hotlines at the ready…just in case. 

In the days to come, there will be pain of unbelievable measure.  There will be much speculation.  At some point in time, there may even be blame assessed.  And at least one person will say something that is unbelievably mind-numbingly stupid…

 

But not from our community.  Never from the widowed.

 

Because we’ve been there.

 

We know that pain.  We know the despair. 

 

We’ve been startled by the sound of feral wailing that came from within ourselves because the pain in the pit of our stomachs and the breaking of our hearts was almost too much to bear.

 

We’ve suffered the lonely nights laying awake in the dark and praying for an uneasy sleep.

 

We’ve endured the ridiculous comments (and worse) from those around us.

 

We’ve fought for financial benefits to which we were rightfully entitled; only to have doors slammed in our faces.

 

We have been betrayed (and worse) by those who were supposed to have our backs. 

 

We know.

 

And so, while today is admittedly a quiet day – it nonetheless calls for very loud action.  And I’m really good at being really loud.

 

Please….PLEASE…if or when that day comes that you feel that you just can’t go another step on your own journey…REACH OUT!  Reach out to another widow/er – it doesn’t matter who they are; just the fact that they are widowed will bring you comfort in the immediate and love and friendship for the long haul.  REACH OUT to any one or ALL of the wonderful organizations that you know are out there.  That’s why we’re here…to help YOU.  We WANT to help.  We WANT to get you through the pain to a place of peace.  That is our entire purpose for existing.  Support.  Comfort.  Community.  Strength.  And if we can’t help you, we’ll get you to someone who can…immediately and absolutely FREE of charge. 

 

And remember…it is not a sign of strength to try and go through this alone – nor is it a sign of weakness to say, “I need help”.

She was one of us.

 

As a sadly-large community of the widowed, let us all declare that her death will not be in vain.  Let us recommit every day to helping one another recover – and when we are able, reaching out to others who are in pain.

 

She was one of us.

 

She was not the first.

 

But please…Dear Lord…let her be the last.

 

And may she rest in peace.

 

Written in honor and memory of Nichole Haycock.

 

 

About Carole Brody Fleet

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the critically-acclaimed, “Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow”  (New Horizon Press) and “I’m ‘Heeling’ One Day at a Time: The ULTIMATE, One-and-Only Question, Answer and Reference Guide to Life After Widowhood” (due in 2011); as well as the author and executive producer of the best-selling CD entitled, “Widows Wear Stilettos: What Now?”.   To learn more about Widows Wear Stilettos; including the newly formed “First Month” Foundation as well as Widows Wear Stilettos’ nationwide in-person support groups, visit www.widowswearstilettos.com.

 

What Not to Say to a Grieving Loved One

Knowing what not to say can be just as important as finding the right words to comfort a loved one when they are grieving.  Many of the following sayings might seem on the surface to be the “right” thing to say; after all you have probably heard them said at a funeral.  However, to a person grieving these common “words of support” encourage them to deny their true emotions and can be hurtful.

Here are a few sayings to try to avoid:

1. The I’ll be there For You…But Not Really Response.
    Call me if you need to talk! (but the person is always too busy to talk to you).
    
   When you are feeling extremely vulnerable, you want to be able to count on friends and family to be there for you.  One of the most common stories I have heard from those that are grieving, are that friends and even family often avoid them when they need them the most.  Try to do your best to return phone calls and stop by and listen.  It may seem difficult at times but it can be truly healing to a friend in need.
    
2. The Look on the Bright Side Response
   Your loss is nothing compared to what I heard in the news the other day, you should be thankful.  You are young; you can always have another child.  Don’t worry, you can always get remarried.  Don’t be sad, they are in a better place now.  Your mother lived a long life; you shouldn’t be upset that she passed away.  
    
   Grief is unique to each individual.  Just because someone else’s life may be more dramatic does not make your friend’s pain any less important to them.  Allow your loved one to freely share their personal story. 
    
3. The Overly Negative Response
   You must feel so lost.  Things are really going to be awful for you for awhile.  You poor thing, life will never be the same. You must have a dark cloud over you.  How do you think your loved one would feel if they saw you like this?  If you were more religious these things would not be happening to you.
    
   Someone who is grieving is already feeling overwhelmed and sad.  These negative comments have a way of making someone feel even worse.  If you are really trying to sympathize with their feelings, try asking them how they are feeling and allow them to express what they are going through.
    
4. The Just Get Over It Response
    Are you better now?  Your loved one passed away so long ago, why are you still upset?  Crying and being depressed will not bring your loved one back.  Oh it’s just an animal, you can get another one.
    
   Grief is not a disease or a psychological condition you can take a pill for and be cured.  You don’t “just get over it”. When you have experienced a loss, you learn day by day to live your life without your loved one but the loss is not erased from your memory.  Allow your friend to heal at their own pace.

Wow, so is there anything you can say? 

Most people do not consciously say things to be hurtful.  They have either heard them said a hundred times so they don’t understand how they might affect someone or they become so nervous about saying the “right” thing that the words come out awkward.

One of the most important things to remember when you are trying to comfort a grieving friend is to not diminish their feelings.   Grief is normal.  You may become uncomfortable when watching someone go through the deep emotional pain that can occur when someone is grieving, that is normal too.  If you desire to be a supportive friend, allow the person to feel the full range of emotions they are feeling – both the celebration of the person’s life and the deep feelings of loss and loneliness.   By allowing grief to take its natural progression you will assist your friend reach a sense of balance in their life. 

The best thing you can do is keep it simple and heartfelt.   Not sure what to say… why not start with asking yourself this simple question… What would you like someone to say to you if you lost a loved one?  

Remember to…Hug them, Love them, Show up and Listen.  You will do more for your friend by showing up and listening than any words can ever say. 

© 2011 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.