Mother’s Day Remembrance

Mother’s Day Remembrance
Tips on how to support a loved one who is grieving the loss of their mom on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day for many is a day of family celebrations. But for those of us whose mothers have passed away, Mother’s Day can be a day filled with sadness and longing to have one more day to spend with our mothers. 

If you have a friend or relative whose mother has passed away, here are a few suggestions on how to reach out to them on Mother’s Day.

1. Acknowledge the loss. Take a few minutes to let your friend know that you are thinking about them and remembering their loss by sending them a card or giving them a call on Mother’s Day.
2. Listen, Listen, Listen.One of the most important things you can do is to make yourself available and truly listen.
3. Don’t minimize the loss if they are older. Losing one’s mother is a significant loss, nomatter what age the person is when it occurs. Don’t trivialize the loss if the person is older.
4. Send a gift of remembrance. Consider sending a personalized gift that honors the memory of your friend’s mother. Some suggestions include: a personalized picture frame, a memory book with photos of their mother, a tree memorial they can plant in their garden, or a special piece of jewelry that reminds them of their mother. Click herefor more gift ideas.
5. Take them to their mom’s favorite place for brunch or to a special spot. Is there a place that they traditionally took their mom on Mother’s Day?
6. Send flowers.Consider sending them a bouquet of their mother’s favorite flowers and include a card with a message “Thinking of you and remembering your mom today.”
7. Write a tribute. If you knew their mom, write a tribute and send it with a card or if they have a memorial site, post it on the site on Mother’s Day.
8. Help them plan a Mother’s Day Memorial. Help create a day of celebration that friends and family can share stories and pictures that celebrate the life of the mother that has passed away.
9. Take them on an adventure.Holidays can be heavy, filled with a wide array of emotions. If your friend is up for an adventure, think of activities that will bring your friend joy. Go for a spa day, play a round of golf, take them to an amusement park, or go away for the weekend to a place they always wanted to go. Make it fun and stress free.
10. Respect their decision on how they would like to spend Mother’s Day. Understand that there will be times that your grieving friend may want to be alone or may want to completely ignore the day. There were many years that I would go to the beach by myself on Mother’s Day to be alone with my thoughts.

Holidays, like Mother’s Day, birthdays, and the anniversary of the person’s death can be difficult, particularly the first year. A simple act of kindness that is delivered with an open heart during these special occasions lets your loved one know they are not alone.

Do you have a special tradition or celebration that honors your mom’s memory on Mother’s Day? We would love to be able to share your story with our readers. Please email your story to us at info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com or include them in the comment section below.

Loss of a Parent
Resources on how to support a loved one grieving the loss of a parent.

Mother’s Day Remembrance Gifts
Loss of a child, Miscarriage/Stillborn, Loss of a Mother & Loss of a Grandmother

Visit our Thoughtful Sympathy Gifts page for a wide variety of sympathy gift ideas for your loved ones. We hope the thoughtful gifts listed on our website inspire you to give warmth and joy to your friends and family in their time of need.

©2012 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a loved one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a loved one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Loved One

Knowing what not to say can be just as important as finding the right words to comfort a loved one when they are grieving.  Many of the following sayings might seem on the surface to be the “right” thing to say; after all you have probably heard them said at a funeral.  However, to a person grieving these common “words of support” encourage them to deny their true emotions and can be hurtful.

Here are a few sayings to try to avoid:

1. The I’ll be there For You…But Not Really Response.
    Call me if you need to talk! (but the person is always too busy to talk to you).
    
   When you are feeling extremely vulnerable, you want to be able to count on friends and family to be there for you.  One of the most common stories I have heard from those that are grieving, are that friends and even family often avoid them when they need them the most.  Try to do your best to return phone calls and stop by and listen.  It may seem difficult at times but it can be truly healing to a friend in need.
    
2. The Look on the Bright Side Response
   Your loss is nothing compared to what I heard in the news the other day, you should be thankful.  You are young; you can always have another child.  Don’t worry, you can always get remarried.  Don’t be sad, they are in a better place now.  Your mother lived a long life; you shouldn’t be upset that she passed away.  
    
   Grief is unique to each individual.  Just because someone else’s life may be more dramatic does not make your friend’s pain any less important to them.  Allow your loved one to freely share their personal story. 
    
3. The Overly Negative Response
   You must feel so lost.  Things are really going to be awful for you for awhile.  You poor thing, life will never be the same. You must have a dark cloud over you.  How do you think your loved one would feel if they saw you like this?  If you were more religious these things would not be happening to you.
    
   Someone who is grieving is already feeling overwhelmed and sad.  These negative comments have a way of making someone feel even worse.  If you are really trying to sympathize with their feelings, try asking them how they are feeling and allow them to express what they are going through.
    
4. The Just Get Over It Response
    Are you better now?  Your loved one passed away so long ago, why are you still upset?  Crying and being depressed will not bring your loved one back.  Oh it’s just an animal, you can get another one.
    
   Grief is not a disease or a psychological condition you can take a pill for and be cured.  You don’t “just get over it”. When you have experienced a loss, you learn day by day to live your life without your loved one but the loss is not erased from your memory.  Allow your friend to heal at their own pace.

Wow, so is there anything you can say? 

Most people do not consciously say things to be hurtful.  They have either heard them said a hundred times so they don’t understand how they might affect someone or they become so nervous about saying the “right” thing that the words come out awkward.

One of the most important things to remember when you are trying to comfort a grieving friend is to not diminish their feelings.   Grief is normal.  You may become uncomfortable when watching someone go through the deep emotional pain that can occur when someone is grieving, that is normal too.  If you desire to be a supportive friend, allow the person to feel the full range of emotions they are feeling – both the celebration of the person’s life and the deep feelings of loss and loneliness.   By allowing grief to take its natural progression you will assist your friend reach a sense of balance in their life. 

The best thing you can do is keep it simple and heartfelt.   Not sure what to say… why not start with asking yourself this simple question… What would you like someone to say to you if you lost a loved one?  

Remember to…Hug them, Love them, Show up and Listen.  You will do more for your friend by showing up and listening than any words can ever say. 

© 2011 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Less Than Perfect

During the holidays we hear a lot about being “perfect”.  We try to make the perfect meal, set the perfect table, find the perfect gift and create the perfect holiday.  Sometimes the perfect gift is not perfect at all.  It is your willingness to look awkward and not know what to say, and yet still show up and be there for a loved one that is grieving. 

Over the last few weeks I have been trying to find the perfect thing to say to one of my friends that unexpectedly lost her husband.  In my search to find the perfect gift and write the perfect note, I have become paralyzed in moving forward with my good intentions.

How often does this happen to all of us?  We miss the opportunity to bring light and joy to an individual that is hurting because we have become stuck in our desire to be “perfect”.   Our need to be perfect is often combined with our fear of saying the wrong thing or not wanting to face our own fears about death.  It is our willingness to move past these fears that makes all the difference. 

Through the stress and the rush of the season, I encourage you to take the time to truly connect with your loved ones that are grieving.  Your support will be the gift that they remember for many years to come, even if it is less than perfect.

 And with that in mind, I am off to the Post Office to send my less than perfect gift to my friend and hope that it will bring joy to her this holiday season.

We invite you to share your holiday stories and suggestions with us on our Blog or by email at info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Be sure to visit our Thoughtful Sympathy Gifts page on our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts.html for special Holiday Sympathy Gift Ideas.

Holiday Memorial Ornaments – http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts-memorialornaments.html

Holiday Grief Support Resources – http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/Holiday_Grief_Support.html

© 2009 Lori Pederson, I Did Not Know What To Say
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process.   If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Don’t Forget to Sign Up for our Free Monthly Newsletter !
http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/mailinglist.html

Our Newsletter includes tips, articles and inspirational stories on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one.
Plus
You will receive my FREE Special Report, “Twenty-Five Supportive Things You Can Do For Someone That Has Lost a Loved One ~ Plus Ten Thoughtful Gift Ideas”

Be the Gift of Comfort, Joy and Love this Holiday Season by Lori Pederson

The holidays can be a stressful time for everyone.  When you have lost a loved one, the holidays can be filled with mixed emotions of joy and sorrow.  After the loss of my mother, the first Thanksgiving and Christmas were filled with a sense of displacement.  My mother always hosted the holidays at her home.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and birthdays were always a celebration with many family and friends. 
 
After my mom passed away that all changed.  The first few years were an adjustment. I was blessed to be included in my sister’s family festivities and when my dad moved back to California we were able to start new family traditions.
 
Over the holidays my home is still filled with memories of my mother’s love for the holidays.  I have combined my new holiday decorations and traditions with some of my mom’s favorites.  Making my mom’s favorite holiday recipes each year helps me connect with her spirit and makes me feel like she is right there with me.
 
As we move into the holiday season, remember that your friends and family members that have lost a loved one may be experiencing deep feelings of loss.  Be sure to take the time to connect with them and let them know that they are loved.
 
Here are a few ways to be the gift they were hoping for this holiday season: 

• Invite your loved one to join you for your holiday gathering.  As family members pass away, traditions change and a loved one may not be able to spend the holidays with their family.  Including them in your family festivities will help ease the loneliness they may be feeling this time of year.
• Make a special date to go to dinner, have coffee, or to go shopping to have some private one-on-one time.  This special time will allow them the opportunity to talk about their feelings.
• Help them with holiday arrangements.  If they are hosting a holiday gathering, offer to help them prepare the food or offer to go shopping for them to take a little stress off of their shoulders.  Ask if they would like you to prepare a favorite food that may have been a family tradition.
• Take them out for a special day of pampering to a spa or to have a massage.  Relaxation and pampering will assist both of you with the stress of the holidays.
• Celebrate the memories of their loved one by sharing stories and going through photo albums together.  This activity will give your friend or family member the opportunity to celebrate their happy memories. 

Having the support of friends and family during the holidays can make all the difference.  So as you are making out your To Do List for the holidays, be sure to include those friends and family members that might need a little extra love and care this time of year.
 
We invite you to share your holiday stories and suggestions with us on our Blog or by email at info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Be sure to visit our Thoughtful Sympathy Gifts page on our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts.html for special Holiday Memorial Gift Ideas.

Holiday Memorial Ornaments – http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts-memorialornaments.html

 Holiday Grief Support Resources – http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/Holiday_Grief_Support.html

© 2009 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What to Say, a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process.  If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

What NOT To Say to Someone That Has Lost a Loved One

Knowing what not to say can be just as important as finding the right words to comfort a loved one when they are grieving.  Many of the following sayings might seem on the surface to be the right thing to say; after all you have probably heard them said at a funeral.  However, to a person grieving these saying encourage them to deny their true emotions and can be offensive.   

Here are a few to try to avoid:

•  Keep your chin up
•  You must feel like an orphan now
•  If you were more religious these things would not be happening to you
• You poor thing, life will never be the same
• Things are really going to be awful for you for awhile
• (name of person) would not want you to be upset
• You are young; you can always have another child
• You have other children to keep you busy
• You can always get remarried
• Crying and being depressed will not bring your loved one back
• Don’t be sad, they are in a better place now
• Oh its just an animal, you can get another one
• You must have a dark cloud over you with all these bad things happening
• How do you think your loved one would feel if they saw you like this?
• Your loved one passed away so long ago, why are you still upset?

One of the most important things to remember when you are trying to comfort a friend that has lost a loved one is to not diminish their feelings.  The person that has passed away may be out of pain and onto their next journey but it does not change the normal grieving process for the individuals that are still among the living.  It is important to remember that grief is normal and it is very important that your loved one does not deny their sadness or try to put on a happy face to make everyone else feel better.  Denying these emotions can have a long term effect on their well being.  

You may become uncomfortable when watching someone go through the deep emotional pain that can occur during the grieving process.  However, part of being a good friend means you allow the person to feel the full range of emotions that the grieving process brings – both the celebration of the person’s life and the deep feelings of loss and loneliness that come from losing a loved one.   By allowing the grieving process to take its natural progression you will assist your friend reach a sense of balance in their life. 

The best thing you can do is keep it simple, keep it sincere, and keep it heartfelt.   Not sure what to say… why not start with asking yourself this simple question… What would you like someone to say to you if you lost a loved one?  

Still not sure what to say, visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com for thoughtful ideas. 

Remember to…

Hug them, Love them, Show up and Listen.  You will do more for your friend by showing up and listening than any words can ever say. 

Let us know if you have anything to add to our list.  Sometimes knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say. 

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.  ~Mother Theresa

Lori

Don’t Forget to Sign Up for our Free Monthly Newsletter !
http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/mailinglist.html

Our Newsletter includes tips, articles and inspirational stories on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one.
Plus
You will receive my FREE Special Report, “Twenty-Five Supportive Things You Can Do For Someone That Has Lost a Loved One ~ Plus Ten Thoughtful Gift Ideas”

 

© 2009 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it:  Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process.   If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.