Loss of a Beloved Pet – How to Bring Comfort to a Grieving Friend

 Loss of a Beloved Pet – How to Bring Comfort to a Grieving Friend  

My companion growing up was a beautiful Golden Retriever Collie mix named Red. Red was my first pet to pass away and I was devastated. I remember starting to cry when I was at school and my friends did not seem to understand why I was showing such deep emotions for the loss of my dog. Although they did not understand, I knew what a big part he had played in my life and I felt a bit lost without him. He was my friend, my protector and my companion. 

Animal people know that a pet can truly become a part of the family and their passing can be as devastating as losing a dear friend. A pet provides unconditional love and companionship. They are always excited to see you when you come home, they are by your side when you are sick, and they listen to you when no one else will. When a pet passes away they truly leave a void in the lives of those who loved them. 

If you would like to bring comfort to a grieving pet owner, here are a few ideas you may want to consider:

Ways to Offer Your Support 

• Listen Without Judgment.  Today, pets play an important part in the lives of their owners and their loss can be very painful. If you are a non-pet person, you may think it is strange that your friend is expressing such deep feelings for the loss of their pet. But if you take the time to listen, you will most likely find that their pet was their companion and friend.
• Acknowledge the Loss. Understand that the loss of a pet can be significant and should not be disregarded as inconsequential. Acknowledging their loss and extending your sympathy can bring comfort to your friend. Send a card or give them a call to let them know you understand that this is an important loss in their life. A note might include the following: “We were saddened to hear of  Panther’s passing. You gave him companionship, comfort and warmth throughout his life. We will remember his joyful spirit. We are so sorry for your loss.”
• Don’t be Afraid to talk about the animal. Sharing stories about a beloved pet that has passed away is a normal and a therapeutic way to heal. Allow your friend to talk about their memories and don’t be afraid to mention the animal’s name or share your own fond memories of the pet.
• Give a Hug. A simple hug can go a long way. When my cat Harley passed away a few years ago, I remember becoming very emotional one morning. My niece, who saw that I was upset, came up to me and gave me a generous hug. I was grateful that she  was willing to be there for me in a loving way. 

Thoughtful Pet Sympathy Gift Ideas 

• Show you care by sending a donation to an animal shelter or charity in memory of the pet that passed away.
• Personalize a frame with a poem and a favorite picture of the animal.
• Help your friend create a pet sanctuary in their backyard with plants and a memorial garden stone to honor the memory of their beloved pet.
• Create a pet remembrance box with the pet’s name, picture and keepsake items.
• Send your friend a Pet Memorial Ornament to remember their pet during the holidays. 
• Visit our website for more Thoughtful Pet Sympathy Gift Ideas – http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts-petmemorials.html

What Is Not Helpful?

Often friends and family try to lessen the deep emotions of grief by offering what they may feel are valid and rational responses to the loss of a pet. However, these responses can be hurtful and can disregard the pet owner’s feelings. Here are a few sayings to try to avoid:  

• Don’t be sad, you can always get another pet.
• It is just a pet, why are you so upset?
• I can’t believe you spent so much money on treatment for your pet.
• It has been a couple of weeks, why are you still upset?
• Why would you spend money to have your pet cremated and put in an Urn, the Vet can just take care of it for you for free.  

And a special note to the non-pet lovers… we ask you to remember that your friends that love the furry creatures of the world may be experiencing a loss without their pet. Kind words and your thoughtfulness during the grieving process are always appreciated.    

I have always been deeply grateful for the unconditional love my pets have given me and those that have passed away will always hold a special place in my heart. If you have a Pet story you would like to share, we would love to hear from you.    

For more resources, please visit our website at http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/inspiration-loss-of-pet.html.  Have a suggestion or resource you would like us to include on our website?  Email us at info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com or include a comment below.

©2013 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a loved one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a loved one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Valentine’s Grief Support Resources

How to Support a Grieving Loved one on Valentine’s Day

Articles – Valentine’s Day & the Loss of a Loved One

Getting Through Valentine’s Day Alone by Open to Hope

Dealing with Holiday Grief by Beliefnet.com

Grief Healing: Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day by June Cook

The Heartbreak of Valentines Day by Maureen Hunter

Self Healing Expressions Grief Course Instructor Suggests 7 Grief Rituals for Valentine’s Day

Loss of a Spouse Virtual Book Tour

Interview with Jennifer Hawkins – The Gift Giver

Interview with Pat Nowak – ABC’s of Widowhood

Interview with Ellen Gerst – Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

Interview with Michael Corrigan – A Year and a Day

Interview with Carole Brody Fleet – “Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow”

Interview with Lori A. Moore – Missing Andy

Interview with Marcy Kelly – From Sorrow to Dancing

ARTICLES – Loss of a Spouse

25 Things You Can Do For A Widow On Valentine’s Day - Sheryl Kurland, The Relationship Insider

Operation: Heaven Writings & Tips for Those Who Know Someone Who Has Lost Their Hero in the Military by Taryn Davis – Founder/President, The American Widow Project

Five Things You Can Do for a Grieving Widow by Marcy Kelly, Author of From Sorrow to Dancing

HAVE A “SINGLE-Y SENSATIONAL” VALENTINE’S DAY by Carole Brody Fleet, Author of Widows Wear Stilettos

How to Date/Marry A Widow or Widower by Ellen Gerst, Relationship Coach & Author of Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

Valentine’s Day for Widows = No Valentine, Just Pain by Marcy Kelly, Author From Sorrow to Dancing

Widowhood: A Time for Reinvention by Ellen Gerst, Relationship Coach & Author of Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

A Single Woman’s Adventures in Ballroom Dancing by Marcy Kelly, Author From Sorrow to Dancing

Love After Loss – Writing the Rest of Your Story by Ellen Gerst, Relationship Coach & Author of Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

Valentine’s Day: The Best Way To Acknowledge It…Is To Acknowledge Others by Widow Chick

Sh*t People Say to Widows (Video) by Fresh Widow

I Did Not Know What To Say – Additional Resources

♥
Loss of a Spouse/Significant Other
♥
Helpful Books
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Additional Grief Support Resources

Do you have a resource to share? Please include your resource in the Comment Section below.

In Wake of Newtown Shootings Five Ways to Help Grieving Families After a Child Dies – The Compassionate Friends

 Guest Post: The Compassionate Friends

Source: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Libraries/PDF/Newtown_Press_Release_2012.sflb.ashx

For Immediate Release

December 15, 2012

FROM: Wayne Loder, Public Awareness Coordinator

The Compassionate Friends

(Toll-free) 877-969-0010 / (Weekend) 248-684-4674

In Wake of Newtown Shootings Five Ways to Help Grieving Families After a Child Dies

Oak Brook, IL—When any child dies, it is a tragedy. But when a community, state, and nation is rocked by the deaths of 20 young children and eight adults, this becomes a time for everyone to pull together to help the grieving families.

“Only a parent who has lost a child can truly understand the devastating and life-changing effect this has on the families involved,” says Patricia Loder, Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends (TCF), the nation’s largest non-profit self-help support organization for bereaved families after the death of a child. There are more than 650 chapters in the United States that service all 50 states, plus Washington D.C., Puerto Rico, and Guam.

“It is said that for a parent, when a child dies, the future dies, too,” adds Mrs. Loder, herself a twice bereaved parent, as well as a bereaved sibling. “When this is multiplied by the grief of 20 families that lost young children, as in the Newtown tragedy, it is especially important that the community join together in any way possible to help the families that have been shattered. It’s important to remember that some of the adults who were killed also have parents and siblings who are grieving.”

According to Mrs. Loder, there are some universal pointers bereaved parents and siblings agree friends may want to keep in mind when trying to help the grieving families.

• Don’t try to find magic words that will take away the pain. There aren’t any. A hug, a touch, and the simple words “I’m sorry” can offer the most comfort.

• Don’t be afraid to cry. Those tears are a healthy release both for both you and the family, and a tribute to the child who died.

• Listen to what the parents and siblings have to say. Let them express their anger, their questions, the pain, and the disbelief they may be experiencing. Don’t discourage them from talking about their feelings. Remember that siblings are often considered the “forgotten mourners” and need to have their grief validated, too.

• Be there. Don’t say “call me if there is anything I can do.” That call will probably never come. Think of what the family needs to have done and offer to do specific tasks.

• As time passes, remember the child by sending a card to the family or calling on special days. A bereaved parent’s worst fear is that their child will be forgotten.

One of the most important points friends should remember, adds Mrs. Loder, is that there is no set timetable for grieving. “Some people believe healing starts the moment the family arrives home from the funeral. Bereaved parents and siblings are transformed into different people who will never be the same as they were. Grief doesn’t end in a week or a year, and it may never end. But the pain does get softer in time with the help of friends who care.”

There are 10 Connecticut chapters with the nearest in Danbury, Waterbury, and Bridgeport. The Compassionate Friends National Office is using an emergency fund, created for situations like this, to provide local chapters all grief materials necessary to help the grieving families in Newtown.

To learn more about The Compassionate Friends and its many programs for bereaved families, visit www.compassionatefriends.org and http://www.facebook.com/TCFUSA on Facebook or call toll-free 877-969-0010 during regular week-day office hours.

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Visit our website for resources on traumatic loss

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® – Sunday, December 9, 2012

Guest Post from Compassionate Friends

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Special-Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

Letter from TCF Executive Director on Worldwide Candle Lighting in Annie’s Mailbox December 2, 2012

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon.

This year’s event will be the 16th Worldwide Candle Lighting. The event grows larger every year thanks to the many people who see the need for services where none have existed. And as the word continues to spread to more of the bereaved who wish to celebrate lives gone too soon by lighting candles in their home, quietly, perhaps just with friends and family.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from Compassionate Friends, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance.

In 2011, information was submitted to TCF’s national website on services in 18 countries outside the United States including 550 services, as this special day continues to grow. TCF has been joined in recent years by chapters of several organizations including MISS, MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda’s Club, Boys and Girls Clubs, and BPUSA and for several years services have been held in all 50 states plus Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico. There is no way to know how many hundreds of additional services open to the public are held in the U.S. and around the world each year without the information being sent to us.

The Compassionate Friends and allied organizations were joined in 2011 by local bereavement groups, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children’s gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers. Services have ranged in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

Every year you are invited to post a message in the Remembrance Book which will be available, during the event, at TCF’s national website. In 2011 in that short one day span, more than five thousand messages of love were received and posted from every U.S. state and Washington D.C., every territory, as well as dozens of other countries, with some posts in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured over the years in Dear Abby, Annie’s Mailbox, Ann Landers column, Parade Magazine, Guidepostsmagazine, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites and hundreds of personal blogs. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services (of which we are advised) is posted on TCF’s national website every year as the event nears.

View Dear Abby’s column from December 4, 2011 and read a letter from TCF’s Executive Director Pat Loder about what this event means to those who have suffered the tragic loss of a child.

If no Worldwide Candle Lighting service was held near you this year, please feel free to plan one open to the public this year or next year. You are welcome to use TCF’s “Suggestions to Help Plan a Memorial Service in Conjunction with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting©”to help in planning the service. All allied bereavement organizations, churches, funeral homes, hospices, and formal and informal bereavement groups are invited to join in the remembrance. When you firm up plans for your candle lighting, open to the public, please return to this site and submit the event information form so TCF can list your service with the many hundreds held in the United States and around the world. The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child(ren) . . . that their light may always shine!

WCL Press Release 10-17-2012

National Media Stories and Videos from before and after the 2012 Worldwide Candle Lighting

For More Holiday Grief Support Resouces, please visit our website at
http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/Holiday_Grief_Support.html

Interview with Sally Wagner, Organized Peace – Professional Organizer

Welcome Sally Wagner of Organized Peace.

Sally is a Professional Organizer and we are delighted that she has taken the time to provide us with her suggestions on how to assist a love one with re-organizing their home after the loss of a family member.   Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences in the comment section below.

And here is our interview with Sally Wagner…

After the loss of a loved one, people often don’t know where to start when going through their belongings.  What suggestions do you have on where to begin?

This is definitely a task that should be done with someone at your side.  Until a person has gone through the effort of releasing no longer needed items, it is hard to understand the emotions tied to them.  This is where we can really help.  A professional organizer can step you through the sorting process with sensitivity and empathy, while guiding you to completion.

Rearranging your life, including your home, after the loss of a spouse, parent or child is very emotional.   What are 2 or 3 strategies you can suggest to help ease someone into this process of giving away clothing and other items of the deceased?

• Evaluate the environment for the volume of things to be taken into consideration
• Determine what items can quickly be released – given to a family member, donated or tossed
• Evaluate the sensitive items and decide where they will go, or if certain items will just have to wait
• Set a future date to complete paperwork or decisions, if needed
• Put special items in a special place for memories

All of us have attachments to our “stuff”, what are some of the strategies you have used to assist your clients with easing through the process of letting go of the items in their home that they no longer need?

During the sorting process, many people will come to the conclusion that all of the items are not needed.  This is based on asking specific questions about what the item would be used for and how long it has been getting dusted.

Discuss the “real” value of items – furniture, clothing, old papers – 30 years of magazines usually have no value (comic books are another story)

Confirm that it is normal to have some attachment to stuff, but it might feel good to know that someone who really needed the donation could be found.

Date any boxes or items to see if they are touched in the next 6 to 12 months.  If not, reevaluate the “need”.

Why should you work with a professional organizer?  How does your service differ from just having family and friends help with reorganizing a home after the loss of a loved one?

The professional organizer will be able to work with you without the emotional attachment.  Of course this will be acknowledged, but having someone else manage the “plan” can be very helpful.  Friends and Family are great resources during the time of loss.  Frequently they are a welcome support in this process, but the professional organizer can lay out a plan, make appointments and provide a focus to getting this difficult job done.

Where do you recommend that people donate their extra home items and clothing?

I usually ask if they have specific organizations they would like to support, such as churches and family centers, or I recommend one that I use in the area.  Usually I will take the items with me, to avoid second decisions and having to re-think the same things.  Most people will feel a sense of relief for every box or bag they have sent off to help someone else.  And although it probably won’t seem important at the time, I will send along the tax deductible receipt.

How can your services benefit an elderly family member that is moving into a retirement home or someone that has lost a loved one? 

Frequently the family does not live in the same area or has difficulty taking extensive time off of work.  Also, elderly family members may feel they are being “pushed” to make the move for another person’s gain.  Having a professional organizer as the 3^rd party coordinating the move, takes some of the pressure off of the well intended family members.  The professional organizer can act as the mediator to accomplish the goals without all of the emotion.

I usually let elderly people know that I will be like their secretary or assistant for a short period of time.  This terminology lets them know that I respect their authority in the situation and plan to work hard to make them as comfortable as possible.

What about you stands out from other professional organizers?

I clearly understand the issues and emotions about “stuff”.  Most people have a lot to sort out because they have become overwhelmed by papers and things.  They don’t know where to start.  It is beautiful to have a complete clean and organized environment, but that takes time.  And the time it takes is different for everyone.  What makes me stand out from other professional organizers is my large family experience, business expertise and emotional background.  I work with people to find a process that is right for them.   By demonstrating how even one closet, box or drawer cleaned out can happen, people begin to open up and move in a positive direction.

About Sally Wagner & Organized Peace After 30 years in high tech, I wanted to take all the skills collected throughout my life and provide a service that would guide people to a more comfortable life.  Between positions, I planned to get all kinds of things done, but it only happened if a friend, sisters, brothers or parents came by to help.  I wondered if other people felt the same way and they did.  Having a schedule to do the project made all the difference in the world.  We got it done, and then we went to lunch.  Now that’s a plan!

There is huge satisfaction in a job well done and I frequently cheer with clients when we look at what has been accomplished.

To contact Sally Kane Wagner at Organized Peace, LLC, www.organizedpeace.com, skwagner@organizedpeace.com
703-608-6935

Sally Wagner work’s predominantly in the Northern Virginia area and is available by appointment.  If you are looking for a unique gift for a loved one, Sally also offers Gift Certificates throughout the year.

What Will You Choose?

You just received a phone call letting you know that your friend has lost a loved one. You now have a decision to make…What kind of supporter do you want to be?

There are many ways to support a loved one after a loss. As a friend you have the right to choose the most appropriate path for you in the moment. There are times that you may choose to be the best supporter you can be, and other times you may shy away from the responsibility due to personal circumstances or your own emotional pain.

Here are a few common ways people respond when they are called upon to support a grieving loved one:

1. The Listener – The person that allows you to talk about your feelings without telling you how you should feel.

2. The Doer – The person that jumps right in and takes care of everyday tasks. They bring you groceries, pick up your kids from school, they make sure people are notified about funeral arrangements and generally take care of those daily tasks that you are not up to doing.

3. The Cheerleader – The person that lifts your spirits when you can barely get out of bed. They are there to get you out of the house and will take you on an adventure to brighten your day.

4. The Brief Encounter – The person that comes to the funeral, sends you a card or flowers, but generally believes that grief ends at the funeral and there is not much more that they can do for you. Their support is brief but sincere.

5. The No Show – The person that is not able to be supportive for their own personal reason. They may be uncomfortable with talking about death and loss or there may be life circumstances that make them unavailable.

As you travel through the grief recovery journey with a friend, you may find that you are all of these types of supporters and a whole lot more. Grief is not a linear process; it has many peaks and valleys. As your grieving friend’s needs change, so too will the type of support they need.

When choosing how you will support a grieving loved one, consider the following:

• Lead with your strength. We all have our strengths that come out when a difficult situation arises. If you are a great listener, be a great listener. If you are a doer, help your friend with daily tasks.
• Stretch yourself a little to learn more about yourself and how you feel about grief and death. You may find a blessing for yourself hidden inside the journey.
• Know your limits. We all have our limitations and we can’t be all things to all people. Do the best you can in the moment.
• Ask for help if you are over your head. A grieving friend may require more assistance than a lay person can handle. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your local grief support group or a grief counselor.

After losing many friends and family over the years, the one thing I have learned is that the right people show up at the right time. Often it is not the person we thought it would be. I have to admit that it took me some time to forgive those friends that were not there for me after my mother passed away. But I have come to realize that it is more important to be grateful for those that were there and understand that those that were not had their reasons.

The choice is yours…what will you choose?

© 2011 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What to Say, a website created to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process. If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at http://www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.

Grief Support Discussion Topics – We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem.

Grief Support Discussion Topics – We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem.

What is your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem?

We invite you to share your favorite Sympathy Verse or Poem in the comment section below.

Here are a few of our favorites:

May you see God’s light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.
~ Irish Blessing

If I Could Catch A Rainbow
If I Could Catch A Rainbow, I Would Do It Just For You
And Share With You Its Beauty, On The Days You’re Feeling Blue
If I Could Build A Mountain, You Could Call Your Very Own
A Place To Find Serenity; A Place To Be Alone…….
If I Could Take Your Troubles , I Would Toss Them In The Sea
But All These Things I’m Finding, Are Impossible For Me
I Cannot Build A Mountain, Or Catch A Rainbow Fair
But Let Me Be What I Know Best ….A Friend That’s Always There..

‘Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but live in thankfulness that he was’
~Hebrew proverb

Perhaps they are not
stars in the sky,
but rather openings
where our loved ones
shine down
to let us know they
are happy.
~Eskimo Proverb

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade
because a loved one’s gone.
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart,
for as long as there is memory, they’ll live on in the heart.
~Author Unknown

There will come a day
when your tears of sorrow
will softly flow into tears of remembrance…
and your heart will begin to heal itself…
and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy…
and you will hear the whisper of hope.
There will come a day
when you will welcome the tears of remembrance…
as a sun shower of the soul…
a turning of the tide…
a promise of peace.
There will come a day when you will…
risk loving…
go on believing…
and treasure the tears of remembering.
~The Comfort Company

May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way home.
~Gaelic Blessing

Share Your Story

We invite you to Share Your Story on how your friends and family assisted you in restoring balance in your life after a loss. Please submit your inspirational stories, letters/cards that have reached your heart, a favorite quote or poem, an unforgettable adventure/trip, a favorite song, an inspirational movie, a book that touched your life or a list of what you wished your friends had done for you.

We hope by sharing your story you will inspire others to give the gift of love and compassion to their loved ones that are grieving.

How To Submit Your Story

Stories may be submitted in writing or in video format.  Please email your story to us at:

By Email: info@ididnotknowwhattosay.com

Please include your Name, the name of the person who wrote the submission (if different) and your address, so we may contact you should we use your submission.

Your contact information will only be used to contact you should we wish to post your submission on our website or in our upcoming book “I Did Not Know What to Say”. We will never sell your information to any third party vendor.

If your submission is used on our website or in our upcoming book “I Did Not Know What to Say”, we will be sure that both you and the author are credited for your submission. If you wish to stay anonymous, please note that on your submission.

To view inspirational messages that others have contributed, please visit our Inspiration page for thoughts and ideas.

Thank you for your contribution!

Lori Pederson
Founder, I Did Not Know What To Say.com

In Loving Memory of a Widow: Quiet Reflections…and Loud Actions

Guest Post from Carole Brody Fleet  
http://widowswearstilettos.blogspot.com/2011/04/in-loving-memory-of-widow-quiet.html

Today is a very quiet day.

 

Make no mistake – it’s still a typical Tuesday at work.  Lots to do, lots to write, lots of deadlines, emails, phone calls…

Lots of…stuff.

 

But it’s still a very quiet day.

 

It’s one of those rare times where I struggle for words – but not for tears.  Tears are coming easily.

 

Because we lost one of our own yesterday.

 

She was one of our own because she was a member of our widowed community.  She belonged to every single one of us.

 

Every single widow/er who knows the incredible pain and despair.

 

Every single organization who seeks to help and support the widowed community.

 

Every single organization who is dedicated to allaying suffering and bringing healing to those in pain.

 

She was one of us.

 

I did not know her personally – but that really doesn’t matter.  She was a part of our community.

 

She was one of us.

 

The question of what causes someone to take tragic measures always looms large.  And in the days to come, many will ask that question.  Many close to her will suffer from the guilt that such a tragedy leaves in its wake.  People will ask questions:

 

“Were there any signs?”

 

“Why didn’t she get help?”

 

“How could she do ‘this’ to her children?”

 

All questions for which there may never be any answers.  But I do know this.

 

Sometimes there are no “signs”.

 

Sometimes a person doesn’t know how to ask for help – or thinks that it makes them look weak or wimpy to look at another person and say, “I can’t deal with this”.

 

And she did nothing “to” her children.  For as I have said in the past, oftentimes a person who takes their own life isn’t necessarily “choosing” to leave…it is simply too painful for them to stay.

 

A horrifically permanent solution to what can be a temporary situation. 

 

I don’t know of any widow support organization who has not intervened at one time or another on behalf of a widow/er in despair.  Many of us have sought training to do so as effectively as possible.  Recalling the time years ago that I was on vacation and received a letter via email that mentioned suicide, I now travel with the telephone number of crisis hotlines at the ready…just in case. 

In the days to come, there will be pain of unbelievable measure.  There will be much speculation.  At some point in time, there may even be blame assessed.  And at least one person will say something that is unbelievably mind-numbingly stupid…

 

But not from our community.  Never from the widowed.

 

Because we’ve been there.

 

We know that pain.  We know the despair. 

 

We’ve been startled by the sound of feral wailing that came from within ourselves because the pain in the pit of our stomachs and the breaking of our hearts was almost too much to bear.

 

We’ve suffered the lonely nights laying awake in the dark and praying for an uneasy sleep.

 

We’ve endured the ridiculous comments (and worse) from those around us.

 

We’ve fought for financial benefits to which we were rightfully entitled; only to have doors slammed in our faces.

 

We have been betrayed (and worse) by those who were supposed to have our backs. 

 

We know.

 

And so, while today is admittedly a quiet day – it nonetheless calls for very loud action.  And I’m really good at being really loud.

 

Please….PLEASE…if or when that day comes that you feel that you just can’t go another step on your own journey…REACH OUT!  Reach out to another widow/er – it doesn’t matter who they are; just the fact that they are widowed will bring you comfort in the immediate and love and friendship for the long haul.  REACH OUT to any one or ALL of the wonderful organizations that you know are out there.  That’s why we’re here…to help YOU.  We WANT to help.  We WANT to get you through the pain to a place of peace.  That is our entire purpose for existing.  Support.  Comfort.  Community.  Strength.  And if we can’t help you, we’ll get you to someone who can…immediately and absolutely FREE of charge. 

 

And remember…it is not a sign of strength to try and go through this alone – nor is it a sign of weakness to say, “I need help”.

She was one of us.

 

As a sadly-large community of the widowed, let us all declare that her death will not be in vain.  Let us recommit every day to helping one another recover – and when we are able, reaching out to others who are in pain.

 

She was one of us.

 

She was not the first.

 

But please…Dear Lord…let her be the last.

 

And may she rest in peace.

 

Written in honor and memory of Nichole Haycock.

 

 

About Carole Brody Fleet

Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of the critically-acclaimed, “Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow”  (New Horizon Press) and “I’m ‘Heeling’ One Day at a Time: The ULTIMATE, One-and-Only Question, Answer and Reference Guide to Life After Widowhood” (due in 2011); as well as the author and executive producer of the best-selling CD entitled, “Widows Wear Stilettos: What Now?”.   To learn more about Widows Wear Stilettos; including the newly formed “First Month” Foundation as well as Widows Wear Stilettos’ nationwide in-person support groups, visit www.widowswearstilettos.com.